Familiar. Comfort. Food? The beef patty is the MRE as unfortunately American as obesity, Walmart, and Reaganomics. While hamburgers in general are the easiest thing to prepare for fussy eaters, the beef patty is one of the most difficult MREs to eat or, for that matter, enjoy.
Like many good ideas of the last century, the idea for a hamburger spread by way of the World's Fair. Invented in Connecticut based on the culinary traditions of the German region of the same name, the Hamburger can be essentialized as a ground meat patty sandwiched between two slices of bread. Often a bun. Its debut was quickly followed by a wave of anti-German sentiment in the United States before the First World War, leading to such name changes as "Salisbury Steak" (which today denotes a burger minus the bun) and "sliders" (which are thinner and often punctured with holes to allow complete cooking via grilling on only one side).
Revenge is a dish best served cold. The Hamburger is a dish best served hot. From its invention, in fact, the hamburger has been a fast-food hot sandwich served out of food carts and lunch stands. It was designed, perhaps destined, for its current role as the #1 fast food entree item.
I pull out the water-activated heating pack (fun fact: they are only allowed on airplanes if the entire MRE bag remains sealed). I tear off the top tap, remove the silver burger satchel from the cardboard, and slide it inside the bag. I carefully line up the heating pack to maximize the effectiveness of the generated heat. Squirting just right amount of water inside, I roll up the bag top and prop it at an angle to begin the (luke) warming process.
I immediately detect an industrial odor escaping from the bag, filling the room. The Marines tell me this is hydrogen, a highly explosive gas and one which I am quite confident is actually odorless. The intel guys tell me that with the right container, I can use the heating packet to build a bomb.
Normally I don't go though the trouble of heating up my entrees. I even sometimes forgo the spoon in favor of sucking the meal straight out of the bag. But today is the Beef Patty's day in court and I want to give it a fair hearing.
Beef Patty, Grilled; Jalapeño Pepper Jack Flavor, Caramel Color Added - Don't Eat.
If I had to sum up the taste of the Beef Patty in a single word, it would be an unexpected one: "crisp". The patty is absolutely desiccated and deprived of all juice. The bread slices are all powder and offer no relief. The experience is like eating a dry sponge made of meat. I slather on an exorbitant amount of BBQ Sauce and Cheese Spread, trying to salvage this dining disaster.
The BBQ sauce is a genius inclusion in the MRE packs as it performs every duty of ketchup and then some. Its versatility on burgers, chicken wraps, or even Mexican dishes makes it the Obama (circa 2008) of condiments -- everything to everyone. However, when chewing on a chalkboard eraser of meat, as I was here, no amount of BBQ Sauce can resuscitate it. These efforts are in vain.The beef patty itself already includes in its vast and ecclectic list of seasonings a blend of Monterey Jack, Cheddar, and Blue Cheeses making the cheese spread ineffective and redundant.
Attempting to find out what is going wrong in this entree, I cut a cross section and observe something akin to fruitcake or spanish salami. Clearly there is a lot going on in this burger, but none of it is good.
The rarest and most coveted of the cheese spreads, the Cheese Spread with Bacon is not merely infused with bacon flavoring, it has microchunks of actual bacon. The schmear has a rich flavor of brown sugar and smoky pork that dances playfully on the tongue. It is the familiar cheese spread wearing a delightful disguise.
Don't waste it on the burger. Eat it plain or grab some crackers out of the bonus box.
Cherry Blueberry Cobbler - Eat
The cobbler is a simple dessert, both in MREs and home dining. A cobbler is some sort of pie filling mixed with a semi-solid cookie crust (or in this case, a soggy piece of snack bread). Regardless, it is excellent. The filling is sweet and savory, with just a ludic bit of tartness. Furthermore, it has actual bits of fruit in it. The Cherry Blueberry Cobbler isn't trying to be something great. But it is.
Just watch out for its high sugar content -- 27 grams.
The Oatmeal Cookie has a great crunch and lively texture of rolled oats and malted barley flour. One bite and in rushes delicious flavors of cinnamon and allspice: its only two seasonings. At 280 Calories, however, the Oatmeal Cookie is a bit of an extravagance.
Beef Patty, Jalapeno Pepper Jack
Taste - *
Rarity - ***
Presentation - *
Bonus Items - ****
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