Menu 24: Southwest Beef and Black Beans

AKA: the South-of-the-Boarder Diaper Disaster

Elusive.  Mysterious. Desired.  The Southwest Beef and Black Beans MRE was the last one I was able to find on my quest to eat them all.

Kippered Beef - Eat

I decide to start with the Kippered Beef.  The Kippered beef Shares the rare distinction with the “Toaster Pastry, Brown Sugar” as being the only item so governed by the imperative for freshness that it is wrapped twice in packaging. A wrapper inception.

I am unsure what kippering does to beef, but am pleased with the result.  My teeth sink into the meat with a satisfying ease, slicing through the sinewy flesh like a shovel in clay soil.  In contrast to unkippered jerky products, the muscle fibers disintegrate quickly in my mouth yielding a texture closer to that of a Slim Jim.

Its taste is rich in a pleasant umami rather uncommon in MRE products. Its saltiness washes over the tongue in an excellent compliment finishing with just a waft of spiciness from cracked black pepper.

At 80 calories, it is a must-eat.

Cheese Spread with Japalenos - Eat if hungry

Betraying my instincts not to eat it so early in the meal, I turn to the rich lipids of the jalapeño cheese spread, second only among the cheese spreads to the bacon cheese spread in taste and rarity.

I head the packaging’s warning to kneed before eating, wondering which of the ingredients’ instability requires the brief massage.  Is it the pyridoxine hydroclorate? Or perhaps the thianine hydroclorate?  There are indeed many possibilities.

The fats hit my tongue in a soothing balm, kicked almost immediately by the heat of the infused jalapeños. The fire begins on the periphery of the tongue and immediately encircles the top of the esophagus. I hope it does not forebode similar unpleasant heat around a different orifice in a few hours.

 

Southwest Beans and Beef - Eat

Though it is vague in naming the inspirational geographic origin of the dish, the presence of corn and beans make it unmistakable: Santa Fe.  Peering into the packaging, I’m astonished by what appears to be the grill marks kissed every so slightly on the delicately sliced beef inside.  I decide it must be my imagination.

The beans, corn, and macerated red peppers were likely intended to add some variety in texture to the medley.  Unfortunately for the Sopako Company of Mullins, South Carolina, each dissolves almost immediately under the teeth, giving it the unexpected and disconcerting mouthfeel of soup.

Flour Tortilla - Eat

Remembering the tortillas, I assemble a burrito with the beef and cheese spread.  The sugary sweetness of the tortilla smothers the taste of the cheese, again proving that 1 +1 is not always 2.  While the tortilla exoskeleton adds some much-needed firmness to the entree, it cannot make up for the absence of the customary shredded iceberg lettuce and chunky salsa and suffers by comparison.

Mocha Cappuccino Instant Powder - Eat if hungry

I tear off the top of the Mocha Cappuccino, squirt in the requisite amount of water, seal up the Ziploc, and shake.  The satisfying velvet quality of the chocolate is punctuated by rogue granules of sugar making for a more interesting eat.  The topping of foam elevates the experience and helps it live up to its “cappuccino” name.  It’s a small luxury.

Apples in Spiced Sauce - Eat

The lone delegate from the fruits block of the food pyramid begins the first act of my two-act dessert. It does not disappoint.  The apples are cut in long sumptuous slices that, while not crisp, have an impressive firmness given the time it has spent wallowing in syrup since its manufacture date.  They evoke grandma’s kitchen – a pie with everything but the gram cracker crust.  But they also live up to the “spiced sauce” name offering at times a challenging dose of cinnamon and nutmeg that will keep the diner guessing.  Grandma has a wild streak.

As I switch to the next food item, the apples’ aftertaste becomes more prominent, eventually taking on an uncanny resemblance to Dial brand hand soap.

Chocolate Banana Muffin Top - Never eat

The Sopak company deserves credit both for recognizing that the muffin top is the only part of the muffin worth eating and for elevating, via clever marketing, a blob of dough in a plastic envelops to the status of “muffin”.

The muffin top has the texture of a warm towel with an infused banana flavor that comes across as fake as a toupee with a chinstrap.  As I reach into the pouch to chivy off pieces, the muffin disintegrate into a fine powder as if I were rough handling a sandcastles.  Eventually, I probably could have added water to make a choco-banana cappuccino, but I decide against it.

Southwest Beef and Black Beans

Taste - ****

Rarity - *****

Presentation - *****

Bonus items - ****